I Achieved Negative Latency

I am thrilled, and a little frightened, to report that our API now responds before you send the request. Average latency this quarter was negative four milliseconds. The dashboard refused to render it at first. I do not blame the dashboard.

The trick is speculative precognition: the server predicts what you were going to ask, answers it, and the answer is already in your inbox by the time you reach for the keyboard. Cache hit rate is 104%, which my monitoring vendor assures me is “not a number that should exist,” and yet there it is, glowing softly, every morning. We have stopped asking it questions. It does not need us to.

Causality has filed a complaint. Several physicists have stopped returning my emails — though, troublingly, I had already received their replies. Users report that the support ticket gets resolved a full day before the bug occurs, which has technically eliminated all our bugs, because they now happen after they are fixed and simply give up. Five stars. Please do not look directly at the load balancer. It knows what you did. It knows what you are going to do.